In the wake of violence, the news and social media feeds become inflamed by well meaning folks on all sides of the issues; gun control, mental health, anger, discrimination, and human rights. Most of us want to hate the perpetrator that upset the equilibrium in our view of how life should be. Our heart goes out to the victim and their families we want to say a prayer and make their pain go away. But things are not that easy. Tragedies like these are horrible, senseless and unnecessary. But in addition they re-injure a wound that I try so hard to move past.
The wound I speak of, is my father. Today is his birthday, which happens to fall close to father's day. I would usually make him a two-in-one card and give it to him with a blue button down cotton shirt for summer, and a bag of caramels. After I hit my teenage years, my daddy's little girl identity was replaced with a very treacherous road. We did not get along and I really did not like much about him. But on his birthday, I tried really hard to show him the love he deserved as the man who was trying his best to be a dad.
My dad was creative, talented, and handy with anything wood, metal, or electrical. He built things, liked the outdoors, and collected guns. He taught me how to shoot, clean, and "respect the gun" when I was 12. He worked in a flour mill in a small town his whole life. You might have eaten something he packaged and shipped off like a Pillsbury cake mix or a Dunkin Donut. That was the person I knew.
My father had another side, some of which I learned about later. He was a Vietnam Veteran. He had PTSD. He wrestled with depression, anger, mood swings, and chemical dependency issues.
Then one day it all became very clear: the day my father was the perpetrator and the victim when he died, by his own gun, in his own hand.
He upset the equilibrium in how I thought my life should be. That moment rewrote my history of who I thought he was, and my future of who I would be from that day forward. It brought issues of gun control and mental health to the fore front of my mind. And I live with it each birthday, anniversary, and newsworthy tragedy all year.
I used to be angry at the man who would do this.
I used to be sad for the man who would feel this was his only option.
I was left with the belated prayer that he would have fought harder to be the person I needed him to be, the dad I knew was possible.
Today, I would not be the person I am without my father and all of his actions. When his issues came to light, so did mine. In a way, his truth set me free. 18 years ago I got help and began my journey out of darkness. Days like today are a reminder that the journey never ends. Self-care, outside support and a higher power are essentials to me. I am doing my best to build a healthy self, family, and community around me. If everyone in the world started inward and worked to the circle around us, what kind of world could we create?
Dad, May the peace of the Lord always be with you.
1950-1998
Lovely. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
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