May Peace Always Be With You

In the wake of violence, the news and social media feeds become inflamed by well meaning folks on all sides of the issues; gun control, mental health, anger, discrimination, and human rights.  Most of us want to hate the perpetrator that upset the equilibrium in our view of how life should be.  Our heart goes out to the victim and their families we want to say a prayer and make their pain go away.  But things are not that easy.  Tragedies like these are horrible, senseless and unnecessary.  But in addition they re-injure a wound that I try so hard to move past.

The wound I speak of, is my father. Today is his birthday, which happens to fall close to father's day.  I would usually make him a two-in-one card and give it to him with a blue button down cotton shirt for summer, and a bag of caramels.  After I hit my teenage years, my daddy's little girl identity was replaced with a very treacherous road.  We did not get along and I really did not like much about him. But on his birthday, I tried really hard to show him the love he deserved as the man who was trying his best to be a dad.

My dad was creative, talented, and handy with anything wood, metal, or electrical.  He built things, liked the outdoors, and collected guns.  He taught me how to shoot, clean, and "respect the gun" when I was 12.  He worked in a flour mill in a small town his whole life.  You might have eaten something he packaged and shipped off like a Pillsbury cake mix or a Dunkin Donut.  That was the person I knew.

My father had another side, some of which I learned about later.  He was a Vietnam Veteran.  He had PTSD.  He wrestled with depression, anger, mood swings, and chemical dependency issues.

Then one day it all became very clear: the day my father was the perpetrator and the victim when he died, by his own gun, in his own hand.

He upset the equilibrium in how I thought my life should be.  That moment rewrote my history of who I thought he was, and my future of who I would be from that day forward.  It brought issues of gun control and mental health to the fore front of my mind.  And I live with it each birthday, anniversary, and newsworthy tragedy all year.

I used to be angry at the man who would do this.
I used to be sad for the man who would feel this was his only option.
I was left with the belated prayer that he would have fought harder to be the person I needed him to be, the dad I knew was possible.

Today, I would not be the person I am without my father and all of his actions.  When his issues came to light, so did mine.  In a way, his truth set me free.  18 years ago I got help and began my journey out of darkness.  Days like today are a reminder that the journey never ends.  Self-care, outside support and a higher power are essentials to me.  I am doing my best to build a healthy self, family, and community around me.  If everyone in the world started inward and worked to the circle around us, what kind of world could we create?

Dad, May the peace of the Lord always be with you.
1950-1998

Discerning a call to become...an Accountant

This has been a difficult year for many reasons.  In order to survive and learn to thrive again, I had to try new things.  One of the many things I did different was enroll in a class through the Episcopal Diocese of Michigan called Exploring your Spiritual Journey (EYSJ).  Because EYSJ is the first class one must take if discerning a call to the priesthood, I wanted to avoid rumors and did not tell many people I was taking it.  My gut was telling me I needed to figure some things out and I knew it would be a good space for me to uncover and discover my direction.

Last September, I had been without a steady paycheck for a year and 3 months.  My application to a grad program in social work had been turned down.  I wasn't getting any call backs from resumes sent to positions in social work agencies.  

I was a bit lost.  

The more I thought about it, I was emotionally exhausted from my home life and I didn't really feel able to deal with client conflict and keep a healthy distance.  So the idea of working in the social work field was fading fast.

Our EYSJ class started with a weekend retreat in September.  It was a very peaceful setting but I was not very peaceful inside.  I was dealing with a lot of insecurity, frustration, anger, and grief.  I look at the group picture from camp and I hardly know that person anymore.

From September to May, we drove to different churches in the Detroit metro area to meet a couple of Saturdays a month for 3 hours sometimes more.  We shared our stories, hopes, dreams and frustrations; sometimes over tears but always with copious amounts of food.  Between meetings, we read, prayed, journaled, and wrote papers, all while letting the spirit work in us to assist in some type of decision making process.

June 1st we celebrated our graduation with a beautiful service at St Paul's Cathedral, Detroit, followed by a lovely dinner. Most of the class discerned to take the next step in becoming a Deacon, Chaplin, or Priest.  I however, discerned to take the next step toward becoming... an accountant.  This seems weird to me and many people chuckled when hearing it.  But I have to tell you what I learned in class.

1.  God needs all kinds of people.  If we all are priests, no one would be sitting in the pews.  The church, must like the world needs all kinds of gifts and talents to run smoothly.  No one is higher or lower that the other, and all are necessary.

2.  I needed to stop listening to the opinions of others and listen for the still small voice.  So much of my life I let people's negative opinions of me win.  People would say (in a stinky, wrinkled nose kind of way) "you are just so...organized"  or "you are such a nerd"  It took me 25 years to proudly say... Yes, I am :)

3.  I was looking for some magical talent while brushing off my natural skills.  I was secretly hoping I would end the class with new revelations or cool gift of prophecy.  Through the process of unpacking, I realized I already had gifts and talents.  Now it was time to stop hiding them so others could be comfortable.

4. You don't have to talk about God to do ministry.  There are a lot of things I am not comfortable with or even good at.  But I can do numbers.  EYSJ helped me understand different gifts and ministries.  And the fact that keeping the numbers straight is the foundation on which any organization runs (not to mention a is a job not many people want).  I had some experience working on the audit committee at my church.  In mid September I was asked to be the PTO treasurer and help another church with bookkeeping because I knew Quickbooks (which is like a video game to my nerdy self).  This led to a realization that I was already doing much needed ministry.  

So when I embraced it things began to bloom.  

This growing confidence led to another job in February as bookkeeper/admin/operational visionary at a manufacturing plant.  I never would have thought I would be doing this kind of work in that kind of place but I love it!  

It has been a year of learning and growing,  But I love it and am so grateful that I found the thing that brings me mental challenge and much joy.

My next step is to become formally educated in this field (everything I'm doing up to this point is self taught or mentored).  I signed up for one intro class in the fall at Henry Ford College.  Wish me luck!

Welcome

I like to learn things that make my life better.

Not in a Pinterest kind of way-

More in a healthy mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, practical journey of uncovering tools, finding resources kind of way.

As a mostly-retired massage therapist & yoga instructor turned bookkeeper and student of many things, I have collected practices over the past 21 years that have become part of our family's fabric.  And we continue to learn more each day along life's journey. 

I've decided it's time to share a little more of that part of me.  This page was conceived over a year ago as a space of sharing with those of you who desire life to be a little stronger, a little more positive, or what I like to call

North of Neutral.