an Advent Hymn

I ran across this beautiful video of O Come, O Come Emmanuel, today. The vocalist appeared to be a traveler that had stumbled into a sacred space. Deciding to be vulnerable, she shared her gift at that moment. It seemed a perfect trinity of her delicate voice, the vast stone architecture of the church that builders were inspired to construct, and the divine energy of the space. There is a lot of symbolism I could explore here. However, I was touched so deeply by the lyrics that I know so well, I felt compelled to look further into their meaning. It seemed like a message sent in code that had significant meaning for me and what I am currently going through.

This has always been my favorite Advent hymn. Its minor key reflects the solemn yearning I carry inside when the days get dark. While at the same time, it exudes how beautiful, deep, and comforting that darkness can be. Though I always felt this melody passionately, it seemed like a cry from a far away place, long ago, that we were reenacting for traditional reasons. I did not connect with the words until they took on a new meaning today.

I have experienced many different types of churches and thought in my adult life.  My Episcopal church sings this all through the season of Advent. My Religious Science self was trained to excavate the meaning behind each word and phrase and then apply it to my life now. On my journey, I had learned that Emmanuel means 'God with us' and Israel combines two Hebrew words that mean 'wrestle with God'.  So I began to look deeper and meditate on it while singing in the shower. These words came so quickly and spoke to me so deeply.  These are words that I understand in the context of my life experiences, and in a language compiled and developed in that context. Others may have their own interpretations and that is ok.  I felt compelled to share these words that came to me as a traveler, stumbling into a vulnerable and sacred space today.

O come, O come, Emmanuel,
and ransom captive Israel,
that mourns in lonely exile here
until the Son of God appear.

Rejoice, rejoice, Emmanuel
shall come to thee, oh Israel.

O come, thou Wisdom from on high,
who orderest all things mightily;
to us the path of knowledge show,
and teach us in her ways to go.

-This is a call to bring God into us, to pay the price, do whatever necessary to free us from the struggles we find ourselves bound to, or chose to not let go of. The most difficult is when we struggle against God and his will for our lives.  God grieves as we become separate from Him and the true self we were created to be.  While we are wrapped up in the man made obstacles on the physical and emotional realms, we do not let God in and therefore are not in unison with our Creator. But when we truly recognize the Son as the God Bearer in our lives we can reunite and that will bring the Wisdom of God, Divine Order, Guidance, and Truth. We we let go and allow the conflicts to fall away, things can fall into place with God's help, the path can become clear and we can be more Holy. Rejoice- we can allow joy in and look forward because the God who is in us, is willing to come into the middle of our struggles.-


Then I stepped back, to summarize it.  It seemed to be the same words I've heard before - Let go and let God, Be Still and Know - so elementary, anyone remotely spiritual already knows this.  But this was the moment I didn't just get it on a surface level, I understood the mechanics behind it.

Not only was it a profound unraveling behind the words I already "knew", but it was the unlocking of a code in an ancient prayer of a song that had been tugging on me.  It is more relevant and speaking very loudly to what I am going through at this current moment. As I sing it now, the words are less distant.  Instead of being removed in time and space it has taken a step inside the heart of things as a mantra and recipe of how to let go and simply be at peace.

Here is the entire song by another beautiful voice, Enya 
Merry Christmas and may your season be filled with Peace.

When the Student is Ready the Teacher Will Appear...

I consider myself adventurous. 
Belly dance was always on my bucket list, though I never sought it out.  So 18 months ago when a woman at my church (Erica Chappuis) with a beautiful aura and alluring personality said she was teaching it...for free, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt I was going to carve out some me time and learn everything I could. 

After trying gymnastics when I was much younger, ice skating for college PE credits, and studying yoga when my oldest was in preschool, I felt reasonably confident about my strength, flexibility and coordination. The week prior, I remember looking at the words “belly dance class” on my calendar with the enthusiasm of a girls night out. However in the hours leading up to class when I dug around for some yoga pants and a breezy top, something hit me. I didn't feel good about my body. This kind of dance is beautiful and instead of feeling beautiful I felt very self-conscious, almost to the point of talking myself out of going.

I decided to get into a hot bubble bath, to prepare myself. Slowly, the beauty ritual ensued. I shaved my legs, pumiced my feet and relaxed for a bit before moisturizing and anointing myself with essential oils.

Class was held in the fellowship hall at my church which was a familiar and comforting place for me. When I arrived at class, there was a beautiful scent of exotic perfume, music from far away places, a plethora of sparkly, jingly things to adorn ourselves with, and a second teacher Shannon Seidelman. I found my place in line with the other students and the dance began. Slowly and carefully, piece by delicate piece, we learned how to stand, move our hands, circle our hips, and shimmy. We all tried new things, mastered some of them, giggled, felt silly and young and beautiful all at the same time.

We met every Wednesday as women sharing a sacred oral tradition. Our masterful instructors taught us different techniques. Infused between the sounds and movements were words of grace, beauty, acceptance, humor and love. Words that heal, and relax the tight places in our minds. Over the course of weeks and months I did more than just learn moves and technique, I fell in love over and over with the beauty of the dance, the drum, melody and myself.  I began to feel more moments of freedom.

Shannon and Erica asked me to dance with them at an art fair this past weekend.  I was prepared to say no. My excuses were all lined up.  I had too much on my plate, I was behind on deadlines for volunteer projects, my house was a disaster, I shouldn't really take the time to put together a routine... And then I realized each excuse was something I was doing for someone else.  I was doing very little to fill myself up.  Here is the exact text I sent Shannon.

“I would love to dance with you at the street fair and I'm terrified. I have a million reasons why I can't and feel like I need to do this for me.  Cuz so many things eat away at me and leave me stressed and dancing makes me happy. I just wasn't ready to share that with others. I have music that I like but nothing to wear. Can you help me?”

To which she was thrilled. Over the next 2 weeks, with help, I managed to pull together pieces, songs and choreography.  We danced for 2 hours on a warm beautiful day in front of friends and passers by.  I am so thankful that I did!

Thanks for reading 

~*Peace*~

May Peace Always Be With You

In the wake of violence, the news and social media feeds become inflamed by well meaning folks on all sides of the issues; gun control, mental health, anger, discrimination, and human rights.  Most of us want to hate the perpetrator that upset the equilibrium in our view of how life should be.  Our heart goes out to the victim and their families we want to say a prayer and make their pain go away.  But things are not that easy.  Tragedies like these are horrible, senseless and unnecessary.  But in addition they re-injure a wound that I try so hard to move past.

The wound I speak of, is my father. Today is his birthday, which happens to fall close to father's day.  I would usually make him a two-in-one card and give it to him with a blue button down cotton shirt for summer, and a bag of caramels.  After I hit my teenage years, my daddy's little girl identity was replaced with a very treacherous road.  We did not get along and I really did not like much about him. But on his birthday, I tried really hard to show him the love he deserved as the man who was trying his best to be a dad.

My dad was creative, talented, and handy with anything wood, metal, or electrical.  He built things, liked the outdoors, and collected guns.  He taught me how to shoot, clean, and "respect the gun" when I was 12.  He worked in a flour mill in a small town his whole life.  You might have eaten something he packaged and shipped off like a Pillsbury cake mix or a Dunkin Donut.  That was the person I knew.

My father had another side, some of which I learned about later.  He was a Vietnam Veteran.  He had PTSD.  He wrestled with depression, anger, mood swings, and chemical dependency issues.

Then one day it all became very clear: the day my father was the perpetrator and the victim when he died, by his own gun, in his own hand.

He upset the equilibrium in how I thought my life should be.  That moment rewrote my history of who I thought he was, and my future of who I would be from that day forward.  It brought issues of gun control and mental health to the fore front of my mind.  And I live with it each birthday, anniversary, and newsworthy tragedy all year.

I used to be angry at the man who would do this.
I used to be sad for the man who would feel this was his only option.
I was left with the belated prayer that he would have fought harder to be the person I needed him to be, the dad I knew was possible.

Today, I would not be the person I am without my father and all of his actions.  When his issues came to light, so did mine.  In a way, his truth set me free.  18 years ago I got help and began my journey out of darkness.  Days like today are a reminder that the journey never ends.  Self-care, outside support and a higher power are essentials to me.  I am doing my best to build a healthy self, family, and community around me.  If everyone in the world started inward and worked to the circle around us, what kind of world could we create?

Dad, May the peace of the Lord always be with you.
1950-1998

Discerning a call to become...an Accountant

This has been a difficult year for many reasons.  In order to survive and learn to thrive again, I had to try new things.  One of the many things I did different was enroll in a class through the Episcopal Diocese of Michigan called Exploring your Spiritual Journey (EYSJ).  Because EYSJ is the first class one must take if discerning a call to the priesthood, I wanted to avoid rumors and did not tell many people I was taking it.  My gut was telling me I needed to figure some things out and I knew it would be a good space for me to uncover and discover my direction.

Last September, I had been without a steady paycheck for a year and 3 months.  My application to a grad program in social work had been turned down.  I wasn't getting any call backs from resumes sent to positions in social work agencies.  

I was a bit lost.  

The more I thought about it, I was emotionally exhausted from my home life and I didn't really feel able to deal with client conflict and keep a healthy distance.  So the idea of working in the social work field was fading fast.

Our EYSJ class started with a weekend retreat in September.  It was a very peaceful setting but I was not very peaceful inside.  I was dealing with a lot of insecurity, frustration, anger, and grief.  I look at the group picture from camp and I hardly know that person anymore.

From September to May, we drove to different churches in the Detroit metro area to meet a couple of Saturdays a month for 3 hours sometimes more.  We shared our stories, hopes, dreams and frustrations; sometimes over tears but always with copious amounts of food.  Between meetings, we read, prayed, journaled, and wrote papers, all while letting the spirit work in us to assist in some type of decision making process.

June 1st we celebrated our graduation with a beautiful service at St Paul's Cathedral, Detroit, followed by a lovely dinner. Most of the class discerned to take the next step in becoming a Deacon, Chaplin, or Priest.  I however, discerned to take the next step toward becoming... an accountant.  This seems weird to me and many people chuckled when hearing it.  But I have to tell you what I learned in class.

1.  God needs all kinds of people.  If we all are priests, no one would be sitting in the pews.  The church, must like the world needs all kinds of gifts and talents to run smoothly.  No one is higher or lower that the other, and all are necessary.

2.  I needed to stop listening to the opinions of others and listen for the still small voice.  So much of my life I let people's negative opinions of me win.  People would say (in a stinky, wrinkled nose kind of way) "you are just so...organized"  or "you are such a nerd"  It took me 25 years to proudly say... Yes, I am :)

3.  I was looking for some magical talent while brushing off my natural skills.  I was secretly hoping I would end the class with new revelations or cool gift of prophecy.  Through the process of unpacking, I realized I already had gifts and talents.  Now it was time to stop hiding them so others could be comfortable.

4. You don't have to talk about God to do ministry.  There are a lot of things I am not comfortable with or even good at.  But I can do numbers.  EYSJ helped me understand different gifts and ministries.  And the fact that keeping the numbers straight is the foundation on which any organization runs (not to mention a is a job not many people want).  I had some experience working on the audit committee at my church.  In mid September I was asked to be the PTO treasurer and help another church with bookkeeping because I knew Quickbooks (which is like a video game to my nerdy self).  This led to a realization that I was already doing much needed ministry.  

So when I embraced it things began to bloom.  

This growing confidence led to another job in February as bookkeeper/admin/operational visionary at a manufacturing plant.  I never would have thought I would be doing this kind of work in that kind of place but I love it!  

It has been a year of learning and growing,  But I love it and am so grateful that I found the thing that brings me mental challenge and much joy.

My next step is to become formally educated in this field (everything I'm doing up to this point is self taught or mentored).  I signed up for one intro class in the fall at Henry Ford College.  Wish me luck!

Welcome

I like to learn things that make my life better.

Not in a Pinterest kind of way-

More in a healthy mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, practical journey of uncovering tools, finding resources kind of way.

As a mostly-retired massage therapist & yoga instructor turned bookkeeper and student of many things, I have collected practices over the past 21 years that have become part of our family's fabric.  And we continue to learn more each day along life's journey. 

I've decided it's time to share a little more of that part of me.  This page was conceived over a year ago as a space of sharing with those of you who desire life to be a little stronger, a little more positive, or what I like to call

North of Neutral.